Thursday, February 26, 2009

Technically…It’s Rasslin’

If you find yourself down around The Pony- a gentlemen’s club-of an evening, make sure you stop in for ‘Wicked Wednesday’ wrestling  specials.

I don’t participate in nor witness these amazing spectacles, but I enjoy the billboard touting them as I drive by said establishment.

My favorite Wicked Wednesday thus far has been ramen noodle wrestling.

Last night they featured biscuits and gravy wrestling.

Whatever happened to good-old, all-American jello wrestling?  

Too prosaic.  



What’s next?  Yogurt wrestling?  Macaroni and Cheese, perhaps? Mashed potatoes? 

What do you think?

The possibilities are indeed endless.

Maybe next week, I’ll take a photo of the sign as proof in the pudding.

Stayed tuned for weekly updates.

I want to keep you…

…wait for it.


Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Booty Call

As I was pulling on my new red pleather high-heeled boots this morning I had a thought.

No, wait. …I had two thoughts.

Number one was the thrilling fact that I found a pair of boots that would actually fit over my fatted calves. 

Celebrations ensue.

Number two was the dawning that I could pull up my britches’ legs and put on my boots after I already had my pants on.

I’ll explain.

As we have discussed, I am a child of the 80’s. 

Now...all you pretty young things of today can discuss all you want the idea that you heralded in the era of the ‘skinny jean’.

You did not.

We did.  ...and they weren’t ‘skinny jeans’.  They were ‘peg leg jeans’.

I remember quite vividly taking in the inside seam of my jeans in order to get them tighter around my calf and ankle.  And kids, if you were a girl coming of age when I did, you remember doing it too.  …or someone who did.

What does this have to do with boots?

Hang with me.

In my little rural neck of the woods, especially in the era of Urban Cowboy, we all wanted cowboy boots.  But it was a struggle to wear them with our jeans.  It was a process. 

…and here it is.

1.     Lay jeans on floor.

2.    Stuff the upper of your boots into the ankle opening of the jeans. Toes facing the ceiling.

3.    Pick your jeans up by the waist so they are standing with the boots inside.

4.    Scrunch the waist down and over the top of your boots, so that your jeans are semi-inside out and pooled on the floor around your boots.

5.    Step into your boots thus stepping into your jeans.

6.    Pull up your waist band.  It should come to rest just under your boobs.

7.    You will now be wearing your jeans and your boots.

8.    Lie back down on the floor, facing the ceiling.

9.    Inhale deeply.

10.  Suck in your stomach.

11.  Zip your jeans.

12.  Roll over to your side and slowly stand back up.

13.  (Optional) Do several knee bends and hiney rotations to stretch out the jeans.

14.  Apply Aqua Net liberally to hair and leave. (OK that wasn't part of the boot/jean process, but it was part of the process)

What in hell were we thinking?

Thursday, February 5, 2009

A Question for the Universe

Can anyone tell me, when you have a clean drawer and clean silverware, where all that dirt and grime comes from that collects in the bottom?

Can you also tell me how to clean it out without removing all the silverware and just running the tray through the dishwasher? 

Cuz I gotta be honest here, I'm too damn lazy for that nonsense.