Warning: A Naughty Post

...just so you know up front.

Big Daddy is working on a project in the garage.  It's a set piece for the next show at the high school.  It involves-among several other things-pipe, glue, screen wire, and cussing.

In between curses we chatted.  Actually I chatted and he endured my endless prattle.

I took a seat on my throne. (the riding mower)  I swatted mosquitoes and sipped a cocktail while BD actually did something productive. 

What I need is a pipe expander.

What's that?

In short, it enables you to heat the end of a pipe and make the hole bigger so you can slip another pipe inside.

Oh.  ...like a speculum!

Do what?

That's what the gyno uses at my yearly.

I see.

Yeah.  She used to warm it up, but these days they use a plastic version.  Those aren't nearly as cold. 

Ah.

Once I'm in the stirrups, she inserts the speculum and turns it a couple of cranks in order to make the end of "the pipe" bigger and then takes a scrape off the sides to send to the lab.

Yeah.  Um.  OK.  That is the process, but the terminology is different.

Poor Big Daddy.  He tries to explain what something is, but I only hear what I want to hear and tonight I heard how I could compare a minor construction project with a pap smear.

No matter that one had nothing to do with the other.

Really?

It's called swaging.

Swaging?

Yes. To swage.

Swage?

Yeah, you know.  Sounds like Madge.

Huh.  Never heard of it.

As I turned to go look it up I heard a voice from the kitchen doorway.

Tell me you've caught the word play in all this.

Huh?

C'mon, Mom.  Don't make me say it.

Tell me!

Next time ya go for your yearly, tell the doc she needs to 'swage the vag'.

Big makes me so proud. 

I know full well that I'm failing miserably as a Mother, because I should have been shocked, appalled, and ashamed.

...but I laughed out loud.

Look up swage.  As you read, you can see this conversation could have gone in a myriad of directions.  But the above conversation actually took place.

I know that surprises you. 

Ahem.