Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Blick!

Thank you for calling Wal-Mart how can I direct your call?

Menswear. 

I can help you with that.

Do you carry thong underwear for men?

Huh, I don’t think so, but let me put you on hold and I’ll go check.

At this time, I put the call on hold and remained in my seat because I knew full well we didn’t have any for me to check on.  I just needed a moment to catch my breath and swallow the bile that was rising in my throat.  There are two things a man should never wear on the lower half of his body. 

One is a Speedo.  

I don’t care if your body is a clone to Matthew McConaughey, (and let’s face it, whose is?) a man should never wear a Speedo.  Trust me, a nice pair of swim trunks will do nicely to showcase your legs and manly chest.  There is no need to knock me over the head with, huh, something else.  So trunks are in-Speedos are out.

Number two is a thong.

See above.  

And if I need to explain why Guys, you are in bigger trouble than I feared.  I will not make a designation between underwear and swimwear.  A thong is a thong.  This is equal opportunity ickiness.

We sure don’t.  The best I can do are string bikinis and low slung briefs.

Well, I’m a male stripper and I just need the skimpiest thing you’ve got. Are they solid or patterned?

Stripes and patterns.  They come in packs of five and sell for 9.95.

So tell me, out of those two choices which would you rather see me in and why?

I’msorrysirI’mnotaverygoodjudgeofthatsortofthingyou’lljusthavetocomeinandseeforyourself.

CLICK! 

Two words, Ya’ll.

Cree. Pee.

7 comments:

Primal Sneeze said...

Brilliant! I'm cracking up here.

It reminds me of the one about the guy phoning the Samaritans helpline: He tells the girl he's taken an overdose. She says "calm down. Don't panic. Just tell what you took".

He says Viagra.

She says "eh, sorry, sir. I don't know what to tell you".

"Tell me what you're wearing"

MoxieMamaKC said...

That was hilarious! I taught swimming for 11 years and in my professional observation, it's only the old fat guys and little boys on the swim team that wear Speedos. But I agree. No one, should wear them, never! Not even Matthew McConaughey. But maybe I'm just still suffering from post traumatic Speedo trauma.

Sugar Britches said...

Primal- Ha! That's a good one. It is sad how many calls we get like that. Cheap thrills I reckon.

Moxie- Oh Jeeze. It's always old fat men at the lake that sport the Speedo. But you know, I knew a fella once that swore he was attractive when he wore a thong to the lake. He was a skinny rangy thing, but it was still gross.

problemchildbride said...

Haha! I could not agree more about men in Speedos or thongs. Way too Fabio.

Sugar Britches said...

I never got Fabio, Sam. He does scale high on the ickiness meter.

Anonymous said...

..... my wife thought primal sneeze's comment was hilarious..... AND your post!... yes, I just made her read your post and comments.....

Eric

Sugar Britches said...

Primal's joke is fantastic! I'd go so far as to say he's an upstanding fellow himself.

Tee Hee! I crack me up.

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