Thursday, January 17, 2008

Super Britches

I kind of like the idea of being a superhero.

It’s a bird. It’s a plane...

It’s Sugar Britches!

I’d only use my powers for good of course, because as Mr. Parker told us, “With great power comes great responsibility.”

The Fashion Police would have a special ‘pant signal’ rigged on top of the local Gap to alert me when my services were needed.

In a single bound, I’d rid the world of high-waisted, tapered leg jeans.

I’d use my power of invisibility to sneak up on unsuspecting teen boys and pull their pants up above their butt-crack thus restoring their drawers to underwear.

With my laser vision I would destroy the muffin-top/thong above the waist of the jeans combo worn by ill-advised young girls.

I would swoop down on retired gentleman and stamp out black dress socks worn with sandals…and shorts.

I'd karate kick my redneck brethren and divest them of their sleeveless button-up woven shirts. Which of course, they had made themselves by cutting the sleeves out with a pair of scissors. Then, I'd turn the scissors on their hair and divest them of their mullet.

With fire from my fingertips, fanny packs would cease to exist.

Flip-Flops would mysteriously disappear all winter long…only to return just as mysteriously in the summer months.

Ther are so many people and so little time that I need help-I need a side kick.

What do you suggest? What would I call her?

Sugar Britches and:

Splenda Shorts
Saccharine Slacks
Dextrose Drawers
Nutra Knickers

It is a quandary.

Meanwhile, back at the Hall of Hosiery, my interest peaked, I went online to get guidance on what type of superhero I would be.

This was the result.

"The Hulk"
You are a wanderer with amazing strength.

< /table>
Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz

Well, now that won’t do at all! His britches are way too small. The fit is all wrong and his skin color is…is… well, I can’t put my finger on it but something about it just ain't right.

But then, I took the Super Villain test.

This was the result.

Sometimes motherly, sometimes a beautiful companion, but most of the time a deceiving vixen.

< /table>
Click here to take the Super Villain Personality Test

I love that! A vixen.

I thought a vixen was someone who applied the vapo-rub to unsuspecting children in the dead of night.



Excuse me for sec.

I was just informed the fashion police are hitting a brick wall with the ‘Pant Signal’. Something about zoning and air space.

Hopes dashed.

…maybe the world is better off.

(aside) I've been drinking way too much...tea.

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