Well, I'll be go to Hell

Brighton and I were walking toward the cafeteria today…going to check out the lunch menu and fill up my water glass. We started back…and I’d forgotten to fill get my water.

“I’ll be go to hell.”

It got me to thinking about other little –isms you can find hereabouts in my beloved Ozarks. So I made a list. Now I realize these are said around and about, but these are things that have either come out of my mouth or the mouths of family/loved ones.

I cut my finger and bled like a stuck hog.
I’ve never actually seen a hog get stuck, but I imagine it’s messy.

It’s cold enough to hang meat here…and
It’s colder than a well-digger’s butt…and
It’s colder than a Witch’s tit in a brass bra.
I’ve never worn a brass bra, so I’m not sure about this one.

It’s so hot, I got meat fallin’ off the bone…and
I’m sweating like whore in church…and
He's sweating like a pig that knows he's Sunday dinner...and
I’m sweatin’ so hard my ass is making gravy.
The first I’ve heard, the second I use all the time, the third one everybody says, the fourth one…used by a dear albeit earthy friend...who also likes to say:

She's crazy as a shithouse rat.

We’re off like a herd of turtles
My uncle Eugene used to say this before setting off on those dreaded Sunday drives that I know look back on with fondness.

That Margarita is going through me like shit through a goose.
Me, me, a thousand times me.

She ain’t got the sense God give a goose.
There seems to be a goose pattern here. And the proper usage here is ‘give’ not ‘gave’.

He looks like he got whipped with the ugly stick.

It’s pouring like piss out of a boot.
It’s a toad strangler.
There are tons of rain quotes. I’ll just have to add them as I think of them.

He’d bitch if you hung him with a new rope
…or a gold rope depending on the person.

How are ya? Fat and sassy. I’m happy as a pig in slop.

Hungry? I could eat the ass end out of a goat.
Get enough to eat? Yup, I’m full as a tick.

Are you going to....church?
If the good lord’s willing and the creek don’t rise...and
I'm going if it hare-lips the Governor.
My mom used to say both of this. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Prissy Britches.

He run off like a scald ass ape...or
He run off like a scalded cat.
Again the usage is definitely ‘run’ not ‘ran’

He’s useless as tits on a boar hog.

That girl is wild as a March hare.

Calm down! You're wound as tight as an eight day clock.

Busy as a one armed paper hanger.

I know I’ve got manners cuz I never use any of ‘em.
My Great Granny used to say this.

Where were you? We was fixin’ to send out a posse.

Dear Lord, I could go on and on. And probably will with another post. I also have all kinds of superstitions that my Grandpa used to live by-especially about the weather.
So, I’ll close for now because:

I gotta pee so bad I can taste it... and
I gotta pee so bad my eyeballs are floating...and
I gotta piss like a Russian race horse.
Thank you Daddy, God rest his soul.

Come back by.
We’ll treat you so many ways you’re bound to like one of ‘em.